HUMOR newspaper column: SATIRE 10/31/13
We here at Lethal Boom, America’s first and most popular legal assistance organization – know how important politics are to millions of Americans. So we’ve devised a plan where, for just a few dollars each year, you can continue to vote from wherever you are, even underground or in urns.
For only a thousand dollars each year, you will be registering your vote during important elections. You will be able to vote in two elections each year just as you did before.
And we’ll take care of everything for you. Re-registering you, getting you to the polls, signing you in, and voting just as you tell us you want to.
This way, from beyond, you‘ll be able to continue as a party’s “base,” the most important voting bloc in that party. This means you can vote in a primary or a caucus, as well as a general election. And all this for only a few dollars a day.
Imagine, knowing you were going to be heard even afterwards, for as long as you like (or as long as your contract runs). Simply by filling out an easy to follow form and authorizing us as your agent, you’ll not only have no worries, you’ll be pulling the strings from beyond, making sure that this great country never goes astray.
This is an important step to take during your estate planning phase.
Nothing morbid or sad about this kind of planning. In fact, planning this way should elevate your spirits and bolster your confidence that life after you’ve finished it will continue along the proper path as you envisioned it years ago.
You’ll never have to tune in to a political debate again. You’ll never lose a friend or argue with a family member. You won’t have to stand in line for a personal identification card or any other source of ID again.
You can vote early. You can vote on Sundays. You can vote even if you were a student before.
The color of your skin is immaterial. Your gender and your sexual persuasion don’t matter. How you feel about abortion or immigration carries as much weight as a fly. You’re on your own, because we’re there for you, assisting you in carrying out the most important duty an American has.
You can even be a woman.
No more wincing as a candidate makes a fool of himself. No more last minute doubts. No more doorbell ringing, or bake sales, or 5K runs. You’ll never pick up a telephone to hear someone else extol the virtues of a man or woman you wouldn’t vote for if your life depended on it. Your dinner hour is your own.
No more tuning in “Breaking Bad” or “Sunday Night Football” only to find the program pre-empted by one dumb political party after another. No more tough women pretending to be “just grandmothers,” and no more sheriffs falsifying their gun control records. You’re through with all that because Lethal Boom – ‘one of the 10 best digital tools for entrepreneurs in 2012’, Forbes Magazine – has cut through that entire jungle to liberate you to do what you want, feel as you do, vote as you know you should.
We believe you should be entitled to vote your soul as you wish for as long as you wish (and as long as your contract runs). Again, for this freedom (not yet adjudicated by the Supreme Court), Lethal Boom will finally liberate you from distractions and lies. (Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough to vote. For an erection lasting any length of time, contact emergency medical aid. You should not be taking drugs for any sort of health condition, period, when using Lethal Boom.)
Think what this kind of freedom can mean. More time for your favorite pastime or hobby. More time for your family. More time to prepare for your retirement, knowing confidently that you’ll never again fail in your civic duty.
Contracts may vary in length according to amount invested. But your directives will be followed absolutely. You’ll be able to see your vote tallied, know to whom it goes, rejoice with your winner. You’ll have complete confidence that the United States of America will never again suffer a period of indecision or depression.
You’ll know because we at Lethal Boom will make sure you know.
Don’t delay. Register online (lethalboom.com) today, knowing that no salesman will call, or that you’re under any obligation to enroll. Be the first among your friends to know with certainty that what you want is best for the country.
Your country. Your vote.